Welcome back to my blog ❤️ I trust we have all been doing great ☺️
A few days ago when i posted the cover art for this post, I got plenty responses on the topic and questions on what my intentions were exactly and i thought to put out that, I’m really not against dating at all hence the topic WHY I.
I decided to share MY reasons as to why I don’t want to be in a relationship currently and the rationale behind that decision, in hopes that one or two things would be learnt 💜😊
Grateful to Ruth Munthali for being a part of this. I love you ❤️
1. I was not ready
I got into my first relationship when I was 12, if that was even dating. I can’t even elaborate what I was trying to do. That didn’t last long because I relocated but that didn’t stop me from having new people in my dating life. I didn’t even know why I was dating, “vibing” or whatever it was I was doing. Cause, clearly I wasn’t ready for marriage. Until I was 18, I still had these cycles going on. Getting into and out of relationships. Same problem, different people. Earlier this year when I talked to someone about my life, I realized that the truth was I just wasn’t ready. Dating needs a lot of energy and sacrifices that I suppose I’m not ready to make. Sacrifices I couldn’t even make for myself. There’s a lot going on in my own life, I can’t take on another plate.
2. I needed to make good friends.
I always felt restricted to make new friends whenever I had someone in my life. Well, that might not be the case for everyone else in relationships but I always felt I had one person and that was enough. I feel alot of people abandon the need to make new friends when they get into relationships and that isn’t good. I was like that for a while and I think I need to build strong solid genuine relationships without any unhealthy emotional attachment and I think that can be compromised when you are in a relationship .
3. My standards were too low
When I say my standards were low, they were really low. Standards aren’t only about the honor and reverence you demand from the people around you. Standards are also a pellucid reflection of how you treat yourself. You cannot have standards when you can’t genuinely love yourself. I couldn’t love myself for me ( because I didn’t even know myself ) how then would I expect a totally divergent person to love me. Having low standards meant I accepted things as they were given to me. How many times have you accepted something from someone in the name of “Love”. That isn’t love if it’s invalidating and unfavorable to you and it took a lot for me to learn and understand that. I had an idea as to how I was to be treated but accepting lower than that was my own decision. When your standards are low, you will often accept things how they are. Furthermore, you may even allow someone to walk all over you, which is a clear indication that you’re in a place, situation or relationship you are not supposed to be in.
As long as I haven’t 100% learned who Zoleka is and what I personally stand for I’m good with dating.
4. I had to learn to be happy by myself for myself
I started dating at 12 or whatever and as long as I can remember I leaned onto someone for happiness and love. I had the misconception that attention was “Love”.
Thinking that i needed someone to make me happy was the biggest misapprehension of my life. Because, if you are not happy by yourself there is absolutely no way someone else will fill that void. You need to be content, full and at peace with yourself before you allow anyone in. That’s were I missed it because I was so convinced that being loved was what would make happy. I think that’s why most relationships don’t work these days because we have personal issues we expect to be solved by others. I need to work on being at peace and happy for myself without external influence.
5. I needed to know why exactly I wanted to be in a relationship
Dating was a vibe yes, bc everyone was doing it. But ask me now, why I got into what I got to and I’d have no answer. Ask someone if they are looking to marry the person they are dating now and you’d be shocked at the responses. Quoting Wikipedia: Dating is a stage of romantic relationships in humans where two people meet socially with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a prospective partner in an intimate relationship or marriage. When I read that, I was like gurrrrl! is you ready for marriage? Is you working towards that? And I had an intense soliloquy about it, and arrived at the conclusion that I’m not ready. 😂❤️
6. “Attachment isn’t Love”
Humans are easily attached.
I read many articles and watched a lot of videos regarding psychology, when I was working on this post. Our subconscious minds are driven to people who have common perception and interests with us which was the case with most of my relationships. I pursued relationships with people because I got comfortable with them and it drove me to stay. Which is the whole context of attachment. I stayed because I felt appreciated, i got attention, i felt special, I felt giddy, I got complimented, which I concluded to love. Attachment in a way is greedy because it’s for ones personal benefit and that definitely isn’t love.
Attachment is a need for someone to fill a void in your life. Which is why it feels sickening to have this person away from you because you tend to feel lonely without them around — ergo, bringing me back to my point: people will not fill voids you had before meeting them !
Love is (1st corinthians 13:3-8).
Love is sacrificial, people develop and grow each other . It’s selfless because you want the best for the other person regardless, there’s clear growth and all of that. Thinking of my past, i could be in a relationship or whatever for months and I’d still be the same person no growth. If you are in a relationship and it’s not having a clear positive impact on your life then I guess that’s questionable and materialistic. Love is very beneficial, to both parties in unquestionable ways
7. Being Single is …
a very beneficial stage for anyone. There’s a lot you get to learn and do for yourself because of the time you have. You can develop and better yourself you know? Grow with God. Learn new skills, a different language, Reading books, develop your talents and gifts, work on your negative characteristics. With that when you get to finally start dating or searching for a suitable partner you are actually valuable. And, it’s two people looking to COMPLIMENT each other instead of completing one another because you are ready complete by yourself 🌸
8. Sexual relationships are a lot deeper than I thought
– Ruth Munthali ❤️
. I learnt a massive amount of things from Ruth and I thought it would be best if she explained this point. ❤️
Sex was ordained by God for the institution of marriage. Its lot deeper than we think. Physically, spiritually and emotionally there’s a lot going on, so when you have sex outside the confines of marriage we are dishonoring God. However, there’s still the deep connection but it’s on a negative dimension- Soul ties is you get negative parts of the other person. You basically start battling and dealing with things you were not initially dealing with.
Obviously, as youth biologically we feel tempted to have sex but imagine you are about to have sex with someone and they tell you that this could jeopardize your life (Maybe get a deadly STD/I) you wouldn’t do it. You just wouldn’t do it but because we don’t see the transfers happening spiritually we take it lightly but there’s a lot going. Sex has a lot of consequences and as long as it’s done outside where God designed it to be it doesn’t produce anything good. It may feel good for as long as your are having it but it comes with a lot of baggage, which even after you repent may take a lot to overcome.
I’m not perfect but I’m just sharing what I have learnt recently. Sharing what if had been shared to me earlier would have saved me a great deal of pain and the unnecessary stress I bestowed upon myself.
With that, I hope you picked or learnt something from this post. ❤️